So, where do I start?
The clock ticked over to 2009, and I finally found the strength to leave my unhappy relationship. The feeling of relief is enormous and I feel like I have my life back. In the few weeks since New Year, my life has changed dramatically. There is a whole tale to tell, and I am still trying to find the words to explain it all. I have met someone new, who has truly rocked my world. I feel like everything is possible again. I've never experienced a relationship like this before, one that seems to work on so many levels, and I am still hoping that I'm not going to wake up only to find it is all a dream...
At Christmas, I picked up a book called The Valkyries, by Paulo Coelho. It had been sat on my shelf for months, but for some reason I picked that book to read, as a way to escape my hellish life (actually make that doubly hellish due to the fact it was Yule!). I have read books by Paulo Coelho before, and they always seem to connect with whats going on in my life, or what I need to know. The story is about a man who goes out the the desert for 40 nights to try and see his angel. His wife tags along for the journey and the experience, and a lot of the book is about relationships.
It is also about the fact that we come into contact with angels everyday, and we will most definately miss them if we only look for huge white wings and a halo.
The book talks about 3 things you must do before you can meet your angel.
1. Break a pact
"Angels are visible to those who accept the light... and break a pact with the darkness"
I break the pact with defeat. I will no longer doubt my abilities to succeed and to accept love. I will only accept real love... no substitutions. I break the pact with self destruction, I no longer want to give myself away or cause harm to myself. I made another pact with the darkness. I allowed myself to dim, in order to let others shine brighter, I allowed myself to be moulded into a more 'acceptable' form, I allowed myself to walk behind, be served last, and go without. I allowed myself to be draped by a thick heavy blackout blanket that put out almost all of my light. I have broken the pact and will no longer abide by it.
2. Forgiveness
I accept forgiveness for all the self abuse, the hating, the harming. I forgive everyone who has ever hurt me, as I know that hurt was of my own emotional creation, and through every storm, has come a rainbow. I have many people to thank for the lessons I have learned. I can only do that by
forgiving them and releasing the hate.
3. Make a bet
This was the easiest bit. I'd spent months believing that there was no-one in the world for me. That all my relationships had taught me enough to know what I definately dont want, and how to become a shell of my former self. I said it so many times... "...there is no-one out there who can make me believe love exists... it's an impossibility, it will never happen...."
I was beginning to believe myself more and more, and settle down to the fact that my life could still be great if I throw myself into my art, ink and kids.
Friends would be there for company, and I will just have to learn how to live differently.
One morning, after thinking about my Nan (who passed away nearly a year ago) I decided I would make a bet. What have I got to lose?
I BET THERE IS NO ONE OUT THERE FOR ME, WHO CAN ACTUALLY LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM, WHO WANTS ME TOTALLY, UNCONDITIONALLY AND ACCEPTS EVERY PART OF ME!
I bet no-one can ever sweep me off my feet and make me believe love actually exists.
Go on then... PROVE IT.... give me a reason to really believe......
About 3 weeks later, I got a hint. A hint that there was someone new, interesting and available in my life. Someone who had been in the background for a while, but who I didn't connect with untill after I made the bet. The simplest things are what tip your world upside down, and I'm still in shock at how quickly the dam broke as soon as the connection was made. No time was spared. The rollercoaster had begun!!
This reminds me of another passage I noted in another book by Paulo Coelho;
'I spent today outside a funfair.... I stood for a long time by the rollercoaster, and I noticed that most people get on it in search of excitement, but that once it starts, they are terrified and want the cars to stop. What do they expect? Having chosen adventure, shouldn't they be prepared to go the whole way? or do they think that the intelligent thing to do would be to avoid the ups and downs and spend all thier time on a carousel, going round and round on the spot?
I've upgraded from a Carousel to a Rollercoaster! and am loving every minute!
I feel as though I won the bet, I feel as though my angel came through for me and proved me wrong! Yes... I was wrong, and yes, I will now always believe. The spiritual connection I have avoided for 5 years is now back up and running, but this time, I know more than ever what I am doing, I know
that what I feel and see is true in my reality, and lets face it, we all create our own reality. This time though, my mind is clearer that ever, and my reality is forming a wonderful world around me.
If you know me, you will know I havent gone mad or crazy... thats just an integral part of my personality! what has happened is I am relearning parts of myself I left behind. Leaving the spiritual stuff meant I stunted my growth for a while, so that I could stay where I was. Now though, I am ready to move myself on... ready to regain control, ready to listen and believe in the greatness of the Universe and the energies that affect us everyday. I can only do this, with so much faith, as I have met someone who I feel will support me in this, help me to grow, and love me for being a bit mental.
One thing that always rears it's head when I start listening to the signs, is Synchronicity. It has to be one of my favourite things. From the fact that my Dad just recently changed his surname (to signify a new start in his life) to his middle name, which happens to be the same name as my angel sent, gorgeous new man! to the fact that in reality, over the past 7 years, our paths have probably crossed within inches and we never actually met... until now. We have had the same circle of friends, live in the same village, and at one time, I walked past his house twice a day, everyday, on the way to and from school. I started working in the pub (the local pub that I swore I would never work in!), at around the same time he became single, and yet again our paths crossed regularly. It was almost like the Universe just had to help me leave my ex as there was someone much better literally under my nose.
Who am I kidding though.. the Universe has probably had this planned all along... crafty bugger....
Did I mention that The Valkyries as referred to in the book are a group of leather clad, hardcore, crazy female bikers who ride around the desert on a spiritual quest? and that my new boyfriend rides a very fast motorbike and is frequently in squeaky leathers? There's a sprinkling more synchronicity for you!
At New Year, when I was going through the depths of Hell (the couple of days before my ex left), I refused to cry myself to sleep, I refused to allow myself to get low, to sink... I refused to see it as anything but a positive move. I heard my Nan's voice, 2 nights running, simply whispering in my ear, telling me to sleep, all will be fine, to give it time... I trusted her, I knew she was right. I kept it together, kept strong, and I knew she was with me..
correction.. I know she is always with me.
So, there's the explanation for my disappearance since New Year. My creativity is returning, but is currently taking the form of decorating and doing up my house, which has also been neglected for too long. I will hopefully be able to upload some work soon, so watch this space!
In love and light..... xxx
- Mood:
Love - Listening to: Franz Ferdinand
Where's the time gone?
Sadness
Excited
The sumos duel in celebration of the new year. 
